It’s been a long time since I've posted a blog. Especially knowing others are likely to read it.
Lately there has been a lot on my mind, I feel like it’s important for me to get it out in order to keep moving on. This post isn't looking for criticism, or to offend anyone. It’s also not asking for any argumentative advice or opinions with what I have to say as it holds a lot of personal thought and feeling. Basically be a friend. be kind.
Between full time work, full time school, church responsibilities, personal responsibilities and getting the hang of the whole marriage thing, I've / we've been feeling overwhelmed.
I know we have things really great right now, we have insurance from a good job, we’re able to afford to both go to school, and we have time to spend together. Which I know is pretty rare for those struggling to find even one date night in the month or year with their spouse.
There are a lot of people who when I have anything to say about my life, give a whole two servings of ‘’wait until you have kids’’ on a ‘suck it up’ platter. But to think that life is without hardships without kids is completely naive. I understand it makes it more difficult but it definitely doesn't throw those who have kids off the ‘you have it good’ spectrum.
We gone into this year with a healthy amount of hope and goals which surprisingly enough hasn't been as damaged as you’d think with everything that has happened the past few months.
Since the year started there has been a lot of heartache, anger, and doubt. it seems silly while these things don’t deserve detail or elaboration. Anger is something that I never expected to be has hard to battle as this is.
I never realized anger was so hard to overcome. And how much of a motivation/spirit killer it is!
The quote ‘’Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored, than to anything on which it is poured’’ mark twain. I can seriously say this is true. It does nothing but destroy.
School along with work I often feel like just quitting. Especially with the feelings in the mix it has made the load three times as hard. getting up for work every day, and getting homework done seems to have become pretty rough requirements because of the feelings infecting it. Having had no school since the 8th grade adds to the stress of trying to ace every class.. I never anticipated to have gotten as far as I am though. (Regardless of the Math homework eating my soul from the inside out. I am pretty proud of myself.)I feel that I've let go of a lot of the anger I've held from feeling so behind. I owe most of this Mike who is constantly encouraging me and pointing out my successes. He is always taking time out to help me when he is busy himself. He has definitely tried and succeeded to help me see myself in a different light regarding education.
Though things at work are great and I have a lot to be grateful for, awesome coworkers, amazing boss who will do anything to help out. Fantastic insurance. I can’t help but wonder if it’s okay to be angry because of the feeling/worry that i’ll be stuck there. forever. which logically is not true however when you see people there on a daily basis who are on their 40th year there..it sort of seems inevitable.
I can’t help but wonder why I feel this constant need to keep moving on to the next steps in our life. Finding a different apartment, possibly buying a house, I’m constantly looking into new things. (In fact we now have a cat! Small example, but still an example of what i’m trying to describe.) Knowing this is a weakness for me, the constant itch to do something new, travel, whatever it is. Am I attempting to run from feeling like crap? Kind of disgusts me at the moment because it's malcontent of me while we are being so blessed with what we have. Is it normal to be angry at yourself? I’m angry perhaps ashamed too at how I feel. I definitely don't like thinking I might hurt mike letting him see this weakness in me, always looking for something new, appearing to hardly be grateful for what we have. Making him feel like he's not doing enough while he is really just being all fantastic!
Is it normal to be angry at the lack of spiritual progression I've made since my mission? I can’t help but hope that this is just some false perception I have. Because I know the work it took me on a mission to really have the Lord involved in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I honestly still have the energy to get that back and keep it up. and the paranoia kicks in of how will it be when we have kids and we need to raise them. I want to. but I feel so disorganized.
This post is a bit scatterbrained but honest though.. I don’t really know what i’m expecting by posting it. Possibly just to clear my thoughts in order to scratch the surface again and climb on out of this funk.
I feel like any goals I have that I know would make things better end up like this:
All of these things are open ended questions. And looking at it now I don’t think they need or necessarily deserve an answer.
So here it is, by writing this is to let it all go and start anew with some personal encouragement I guess.
If I have problems spiritually, the solution- pray and fix it.
If I am tired- change it physically. Get the rest, exercise and nutrition I need.
If I’m angry well,.. lets hope the first two will fix it. …?
This is the part where you can give opinions, how can I find the balance in all of this? any ideas or solutions regarding the balance is welcome.
Next semesters I think will be a no math for me and do all my math at the end of my studies. the other classes are such cake. it’ll be so easy to do online until mike graduates. This is my solution to the school burdening part. any other ideas are welcome as long as its friendly and supportive. seriously not in the mood for downers.
